Outtakes
by PissedOffEskimo
Summary: Teen Wolf episodic script play. The little things my deviant brain hears with every episode, mostly because I watched way too much MST3K as a child. Due to the nature of this, there are most assuredly spoilers.
1. Season One

**SEASON ONE**

* * *

**Episode 1: Wolf Moon**

**S**cott: We're seriously doing this?

**S**tiles: You're the one always bitching that nothing ever happens in this town.

**S**cott: Why do I put up with this again?

**S**tiles: Mostly because I'm awesome, but also the blowjobs. Those two are not mutually exclusive, by the way. Now come on.

**S**cott: But… I wanted to get rest before practice tomorrow.

* * *

**Episode 2: Second Chance at First Line**

**S**tiles: Just try not to worry about too much while you're out there, okay? Or get too angry. Or stressed

**S**cott: I got it.

**S**tiles: Don't think about Alyson being in the stands. Or that her father's trying to kill you. Or that Derek's trying to kill you. Or the girl he killed. Or that you might kill someone, if a Hunter doesn't kill you first. Definitely don't think about that bet we made over the summer or that if we lose a game you're actually playing in, you'll have to wear ladies' underwear for the next week. Or that if we win the game, I'll be wearing ladies' underwear for a week. 'Cause that may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, in retrospect, getting your blood pressure up thinking about me in lacy panties probably wasn't the best incentive we could have come up with.

**S**cott: I'm not letting you out of the bet just because I got bit by a werewolf and you've suddenly realized you're gonna lose.

**S**tiles: But… werewolf bite. That's like cheating.

**S**cott: No, it isn't. It's not like I went out looking to get bitten and being able to use this thing to get you into panties is the first good thing to come out of it. Bet's still on and we are winning this game.

**S**tiles: …good luck.

* * *

**Episode 3: Pack Mentality**

**M**rs. McCall: And, by the way, do either of you care that there's a police enforced curfew?

**S**cott/**S**tiles: No.

**M**rs. McCall: No, alright then. Well, you know what? That's about enough parenting for me for one night. Just… goodnight. *walks out*

**S**cott/**S**tiles: …

**M**rs. McCall: *walks back in* Use a condom. Now, I'm done. *walks out*

* * *

**Episode 4: Magic Bullet**

**S**tiles: I don't think you should be barking orders with the way you look. And… and, in fact, I think, if I wanted to, I could drag your little werewolf ass into the middle of the road and leave you for dead.

**D**erek: Start the car, or I'm gonna rip your throat out. With my teeth.

**S**tiles: *starts the car, mumbling* As apposed to what, your cock?

**D**erek: I heard that. And if I survive this, we'll explore that option.

**S**tiles: That wasn't… I didn't… shut up and let me drive.

* * *

**Episode 5: The Tell**

**S**heriff: Please tell me I'm gonna hear good news at this parent/teacher thing.

**S**tiles: Depends on how you define good news?

**S**heriff: I define it as you getting straight A's and not having been caught in a supply closet making out with your boyfriend. Again.

**S**tiles: He's not my boyfriend, Dad, we're… best friends with benefits.

**S**heriff: Stiles…

**S**tiles: Just… might want to rethink that definition, that's all.

* * *

**Episode 6: Heart Monitor**

**S**cott: Still not talking to me?

**S**tiles: …

**S**cott: Can you at least tell me if your dad's okay? I mean it's just a bruise right? Some soft tissue damage? Nothing… that big?

**S**tiles: …

**S**cott: You know I feel really bad about it, right?

**S**tiles: …

**S**cott: Okay. What if I told you that I'm trying to figure this whole thing out and… that I went to Derek for help?

**S**tiles: If I was talking to you, I'd say that you're an idiot for trusting him, but obviously, I'm talking to you.

**S**cott: What if I offered to skip next class and give you a handy?

**S**tiles: My dad could have been killed.

**S**cott: Fine. A blow job.

**S**tiles: And?

**S**cott: And… I'll let you fondle my nipples.

**S**tiles: There we go.

**S**cott: You know that makes me really uncomfortable.

**S**tiles: Yeah, but I enjoy it and this is about me.

**S**cott: I thought this was about your dad.

**S**tiles: Hey, we agreed not to bring parents into the benefits part of our friendship. Unless, of course, you want me to show up in scrubs again.

**S**cott: Fine.

**S**tiles: Fine. … I'm sorry, dude, I'm not that mad. We don't have to do the nipple thing.

**S**cott: No, I kind of get off on it, just… I'm not a girl, you know.

**S**tiles: Scott, between your six pack and your dick, it's pretty clear you're not a girl.

**S**cott: Thanks, man.

**T**eacher: Are two finished or is there something else you'd like to share with the class?

* * *

**Episode 7: Night School**

**S**tiles: Blood spurted out of his mouth, okay? That doesn't exactly qualify as a minor injury. He's dead and we're next.

**S**cott: Okay, okay, just… what do we do?

**S**tiles: … quickly in the supply closet for old times' sake?

**S**cott: What?! No!

**S**tiles: But I don't want to die a virgin!

**S**cott: Number of times you've sucked my cock, I'm not sure you qualify as a virgin anymore and, even if you do, nothing is going near my ass tonight. Now, come up with a better plan!

* * *

**Episode 8: Lunatic**

**S**cott: *pulls out chains* Think I was gonna let you put these on? Chain me up like a dog?

**S**tiles: Maybe? If you were feeling kinky.

**S**cott: What?

**S**tiles: Hah! *cuffs Scott to radiator* Fell for it!

* * *

**Episode 9: Wolf's Bane**

**J**ackson: I know what you are McCall.

**S**cott: What?

**J**ackson: I know what you are.

**S**cott: No, just… look, just because me and Stiles fool around doesn't make me, you know, gay. Strictly.

**J**ackson: What? No, not that. God, everyone knows about that.

**S**cott: Everyone?

**J**ackson: Everyone.

**S**cott: …does everyone include Allison?

**J**ackson: Did I say everyone except Allison? No, I said everyone.

**S**cott: Oh, god.

**J**ackson: Get ahold of yourself, Romeo. She's your guys' biggest fan.

**S**cott: Really?!

**J**ackson: You know what, no, this is not what I came here to talk to you about.

**_-and-_**

**P**eter: That's not nice. She's my nurse.

**D**erek: She's a psychotic bitch helping you kill people. *to Stiles* Get out of the way.

**S**tiles: Ah, damn, you are so hot right now.

**D**erek: Stiles…

**S**tiles: Scott was right, I'm ass over heals for you. Literally. I'm pretty flexible, so…

**D**erek: Get down!

* * *

**Episode 10: Co-Captain**

**S**tiles: *runs in* Dude, we've got a huge problem.

**S**cott: Trust me, I know.

**S**tiles: No, you don't.

**S**cott: I know about Peter. Derek was here. With him.

**S**tiles: Oh, well, okay, yeah, that too, but, also I think I, uh, I think I like Derek. As in, _like_ like him.

**S**cott: What?

**S**tiles: And I kind of told him.

**S**cott: How did he react?

**S**tiles: He told me to get down, then tried to kill his crazy uncle, or stop his crazy uncle from killing me, I'm still not sure. I think it's progress.

**S**cott: You do like a project.

**S**tiles: It helps with the ADHD.

* * *

**Episode 11: Formality**

**J**ackson: You want me to take her to the formal?

**S**cott: I don't want you to, I need you to.

**J**ackson: You know what? Screw you. Screw you, too. In fact, screw each other.

**S**tiles: That's an option.

**S**cott: What?

**S**tiles: If it'll help. I'm just saying, I'm up for it.

**S**cott: That is so sweet of you. Man, you really are my best friend.

**S**tiles: With benefits.

**S**cott: And the benefits are good.

**J**ackson: Are you two done? God, you're so sweet together it's pathetic.

* * *

**Episode 12: Code Breaker**

**P**eter: Call your friend. Tell Jackson where she is. That's all you get.

**S**tiles: You know you really have the market cornered on creepy uncle.

**P**eter: Oh, you have no idea. Just wait till I get you alone in a parking garage.

**S**tiles: That is… not nearly as upsetting as it should be.

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: Dad, tell me, look, we know it has something to do with Derek.

**S**heriff: I thought you two said you barely knew him

**S**tiles: Okay, we might know him a little better then that.

**S**heriff: How much better?

**S**tiles: Remember when I said I didn't have a boyfriend?

**S**heriff: Stiles, you can not be serious!

**S**tiles: Well, it isn't official or even unofficially official. I'm actually not sure what he even thinks of the idea, because he disappeared before he could tell me, but…

**S**heriff: *grabs Stiles* You do realize that I'm elected to this position?

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: And then Allison's dad showed up and he threw me around and questioned me.

**S**cott: Dude, really? What is it with you and older men?

**S**tiles: I know right. I mean, I get it with my dad. I'm a pain in his ass.

**S**cott: You're a pain in a lot of peoples' asses.

**S**tiles: I am, but Peter and Mr. Argent? In the same night? That was just uncalled for.

**S**cott: Maybe…

**S**tiles: What?

**S**cott: Maybe it was for the fangirls.

**S**tiles: Oh, god, I hope not.

**S**cott: Why?

**S**tiles: Because then it might happen again next season.


	2. Season Two

**SEASON TWO**

* * *

**Episode 1: Omega**

**A**llison: Everything okay?

**S**cott: Just another life threatening conversation with your dad, about as awkward as the safe sex talk my mom gave me and Stiles the first time she caught us in the shower.

**S**tiles: Hey, I remember that.

**A**llison: Wait, first time? Has she caught you in the shower more then once?

**S**cott: You sound upset. Are you upset?

**A**llison: Not upset, I just feel kind of left out. I want to catch you in the shower with Stiles. Or, maybe Stiles could catch us in the shower and we could offer to let him join?

**S**tiles: *undignified squeak*

**A**llison: Or…

**S**cott: God, as much as I would really, really like this conversation to continue, I'd rather do it when I'm not hanging by my ankle from a tree.

**A**llison: Right, sorry.

**S**tiles: *to Scott* I seriously kind of hate you right now.

* * *

**Episode 2: Shape Shifted**

**C**oach: Stalinsky, what the hell is wrong with your friend?

**S**tiles: He's failing two classes. He's a little socially awkward. He gets an A+ for enthusiasm, but even after two years of backroom BJ's, he still doesn't have his gag reflex under control, and if you look close enough, he jaw line's kinda uneven. Also, he curves a little to the left. It's subtle, but you get that thing far enough down your throat, it's hard to miss.

**C**oach: I knew better then to ask. God, I knew better and I still did it.

* * *

**Episode 3: Ice Pick**

**E**rica: *gets in the car*

**D**erek: *smiles, drives off*

**S**cott: What was that?

**S**tiles: Either he's making a show for your benefit about his newest werewolf or he's trying to make me jealous.

**S**cott: Maybe. Is it working? Are you jealous?

**S**tiles: No. …yes.

* * *

**Episode 4: Abomination**

**A**llison: I think you mean…

**S**tiles: No, Bestiary. You two… I don't even want to know what goes on in your minds.

**A**llison: Fanfic.

**S**tiles: You wha… Excuse me?

**A**llison: No, it's… He's a werewolf and there isn't exactly a book I can check out on how to please a werewolf, sexually. So, I looked on the internet and found all these stories about werewolves, you know, having sex. Not factual stories, but…

**S**tiles: Fanfic?

**A**llison: Yeah, except now I'm kind of worried. Human Scott is awesome, but we've never really gotten there with him all wolfed out and I'm kind of afraid of…

**S**tiles: Of what?

**A**llison: …

**S**tiles: Just say it, okay?

**A**llison: Does he have a knot? Because everything I read online says werewolves have knots and that's kind of weird and I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

**S**tiles: I don't know!

**A**llison: Could you find out?

**S**tiles: … be right back.

_-fifteen minutes later-_

**S**tiles: *panting* You're good. No knot. So, back to the Bestiary.

* * *

**Episode 5: Venomous**

**C**oach: Jackson! You have something you want to share with the rest of the class?

**J**ackson: Scott does not have herpes. It's probably just a blister from too much masturbation or frottage or whatever freaky shit those two are up to.

**S**cott: Oh, my god.

**C**oach: Well, that's a relief. Now, pay attention.

**S**tiles: *to Jackson* Not cool, dude.

* * *

**Episode 6: Frenemy**

**A**llison: I need you to promise not to say a word about what just happened.

**L**ydia: Okay, if you tell me what the hell just happened?!

**A**llison: It's kind of complicated. See, Scott and Stiles are best friends with benefits. A lot of benefits. Really hot, steamy, sexy benefits. And me and Scott are dating, which means I'm allowed to sample those benefits. Second hand, of course, I'm not a total slut. So when we said we were going upstairs to change, what we really meant was…

**L**ydia: Oh, I know what you really meant. I walked in on it and that was so not what I was talking about. Why was Derek there?

**A**llison: Stiles has a thing for Derek. Huge. It's epic. I think he's somewhere between terrified and in love with him. Now, I haven't really had a chance to talk to Derek about it, but I get the impression he can't decide whether to be annoyed or amused by him, but either way, it isn't happening. Scott says Stiles is really good at wearing people down, though, so…

**L**ydia: No, outside the house, Allison. Before the three of you had your little oral exam in Scott's bedroom. Are you being deliberately stupid about this?

**A**llison: …maybe.

* * *

**Episode 7: Restraint**

**M**rs. McCall: What is going on with you?

**S**tiles: *shaking head*

**S**cott: Do you really want to know?

**S**tiles: *shaking head*

**M**rs. McCall: Yeah.

**S**tiles: *shaking head*

**S**cott: Stiles is in love with Derek.

**S**tiles: *mouthing* What?!

**M**rs. McCall: What?

**S**cott: I'm just taking it a lot harder then I thought I would. First I lose Allison and now Stiles is moving on and I know I said we were just friends, but it's hard to let him go.

**M**rs. McCall: Oh, honey. Come on, let's go get you some ice cream and talk.

**S**tiles: *mouthing* I hate you.

**S**cott: *mouthing* I'm sorry.

* * *

**Episode 8: Raving**

**S**cott: No, I mean you. I don't want you to get hurt.

**I**saac: …

**S**cott: …

**I**saac: Why are you staring at me?

**S**cott: Why are _you_ staring at _me_?

**I**saac: The way you said that, it sounded deep and meaningful.

**S**cott: You're kind of pretty.

**I**saac: What?

**S**cott: Nothing. You asked why I was staring. You're kind of pretty.

**I**saac: …thank you?

* * *

**Episode 9: Party Guessed**

**A**llison: Matt, some of those pictures. I… I… I don't even know how you took them.

**M**att: Telephoto lens. I mean, come on, Allison. Photographers call them candids.

**A**llison: Really? What about the ones from inside the supply closet, when I was watching Stiles and Scott? There wasn't even a window in there.

**M**att: Well, that… just…

**A**llison: And Scott's bathroom? His _shower_? Really, Matt? Telephoto lens is the best you can come up with?

**M**att: …Stiles paid me to do it?

**A**llison: That is… almost believable, but no!

* * *

**Episode 10: Fury**

**M**att: It's like a freakin' Halloween party every full moon. Except for you, Stiles. What do you turn into?

**S**tiles: Abominable Snowman, but, uh, it's more of like a winter time thing. You know, seasonal.

**J**ackson: *scratches Stiles*

**S**tiles: Bitch *falls on Derek* Never mind. We're good.

**D**erek: No, we're not.

**S**tiles: Hey, now, is that an erection in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

**D**erek: Get him off me.

* * *

**Episode 11: Battlefield**

**S**tiles: He does this every year.

**M**rs. McCall: Seriously?

**S**tiles: Yeah.

**M**rs. McCall: Wait, is this?

**S**tiles: Yeah, it's the speech from Independence Day. It's Coach's favorite movie.

**M**rs. McCall: He doesn't know any sport's speeches?

**S**tiles: Eh, I don't think he cares.

**M**rs. McCall: Stiles, honey, we need to talk about Scott.

**S**tiles: No, we don't.

**M**rs. McCall: Yeah, we do.

**S**tiles: But…

**M**rs. McCall: Stiles.

**S**tiles: Yeah, okay. *planning revenge*

* * *

**Episode 12: Master Plan**

**D**erek: We need to talk.

**P**eter: All of us.

**S**cott: Holy shit!

**I**saac: Who's that?

**S**cott: That's Peter, everyone's favorite creepy uncle. Well, Stiles' favorite creepy uncle.

**P**eter: His favorite? I'm flattered.

**S**cott: Oh, you should be. I've heard about his dream. In detail.

**D**erek: Wait, what? Have you… with Stiles?

**P**eter: A lady doesn't kiss and tell.

**D**erek: …

**P**eter: What? I thought you weren't interested.

**D**erek: …

**S**cott: *to Isaac* Why is his jaw twitching?

**I**saac: That usually means he wants to kill something. Well, someone.

**S**cott: But, why would he… oh! I suddenly can not wait to find Stiles.

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: Again with the older men shoving you around?!

**S**tiles: It's just tragic, is what it is.

**S**cott: The fangirls are sick.

**S**tiles: You're just saying that to make me feel better.

**S**cott: Yeah, but it's working.

**S**tiles: It is. Hold me.

**S**cott: Hey, man.

**S**tiles: What?

**S**cott: Peter's back.

**S**tiles: Really?! Are you messing with me?

**S**cott: No. It gets better.

**S**tiles: How can it possibly get better?

**S**cott: I may have mentioned how excited you would be and, uh, Derek was jealous.

**S**tiles: …you are the best friend ever.

**S**cott: Damn straight

**S**tiles: Or not.

**S**cott: Or not.


	3. Season Three (a)

**SEASON THREE (A)**

* * *

**Episode 1: Tattoo**

**B**raeden: *electrocutes Isaac*

**I**saac: Gah… Jigglypuff!

**B**raeden: What?

**I**saac: Huh? Wait, you're not Scott.

**B**raeden: No, and what the hell is a Jigglypuff?

**I**saac: It's our safe word.

**B**raeden: Why would you need a safe word?

**I**saac: Why are you electrocuting me?

**B**raeden: Oh, for the love of… we don't have time for this.

* * *

**Episode 2: Chaos Rising**

**S**tiles: Okay, big guy, let's see it. Let see you make that fist. Big old fist. Make it, come on. Get it out there, don't be scared. Big bad wolf, yeah, look at that. Okay, see this? That's maybe three inches of room to gather enough force to punch through three feet of solid…

**D**erek: *punches Stiles hand*

**S**tiles: *flailing* Aaa! He can do it!

**P**eter: Well, there go my plans for the night.

**S**tiles: Not helping.

**P**eter: You want me to kiss it better?

**S**tiles: You can't kiss my hand and make it better. Your mouth does not have magical healing properties.

**P**eter: No, it doesn't, but I wasn't talking about kissing your hand.

**S**tiles: I… don't hate that idea.

**D**erek: *jaw twitches*

**S**cott: Hang on to that thought, you're gonna need the rage.

* * *

**Episode 3: Fireflies**

**I**saac: So, uh, your sister.

**D**erek: …

**I**saac: I'm sorry, bad timing. *awkward silence* Stiles and Peter seemed pretty cozy.

**D**erek: …

**I**saac: What?!

* * *

**Episode 4: Unleashed**

**A**llison: Can I ask you a question?

**I**saac: Do you have to?

**A**llison: I guess not. I'm gonna ask anyway. Jigglypuff? Really, Isaac?

**I**saac: Oh, come on, why does everybody hate me?

**A**llison: Apparently, Scott doesn't.

**I**saac: _You _broke up with _him_! I'm just making him feel better.

**A**llison: By having the kind of sex that requires a safe word?

**I**saac: No, that isn't… it's not that kind of sex. I just… panic sometimes and Scott is a wonderful, sensitive person that understands that, so he suggested we use a safe word so that he would know if I was uncomfortable with anything he did without me actually having to explain it.

**A**llison: He is that wonderful and sensitive, isn't he? *sniff*

**I**saac: Don't you cry. Because if you cry, then I'm gonna cry.

**A**llison: Great, now we're both crying. *sniffs* You, uh, you're really pretty when you cry.

**I**saac: Thanks, you too. You know who else is pretty when he cries?

**A**llison: Scott?

**I**saac: Yeah.

* * *

**Episode 5: Frayed**

**S**cott: I can't believe he's dead. I can't believe Derek's dead.

**S**tiles: I can't believe I never tapped that.

**S**cott: Really?

**S**tiles: Just trying to lighten the mood.

* * *

**Episode 6: Motel California**

**S**tiles: Have you still not seen Starwars?

**S**cott: I swear, if we make it back alive, I will watch it.

**S**tiles: God, how do I even let you in my pants? That's just… fundamentally wrong.

**S**cott: Stiles…

**S**tiles: You know who's seen Starwars, Scott? Peter has seen Starwars and he's a psychopathic pervert.

**S**cott: Of course, Peter's seen Starwars, he was probably our age when they came out.

**S**tiles: That is a gross overestimate and you know it.

**S**cott: Whatever, are we doing this or what?

**S**tiles: Yeah, come on, in the shower, in case Coach decides to check on us.

**S**cott: Wait. You think he won't come in the bathroom?

**S**tiles: No, I think if he tries, we'll offer to let him join and then he'll leave.

**S**cott: Good call. Oh, speaking of, should we call Isaac?

**S**tiles: Already done.

_*knock on door*_

**A**llison: Are, uh, are you guys in there? Stiles messaged me. Hey, Isaac, what are you doing here?

**S**cott: ….

**S**tiles: Right?! Orgy!

**S**cott: Stiles…

**S**tiles: Please?

**S**cott: Oh, fine.

**S**tiles: Really? Oh, man, you are not gonna regret this.

**S**cott: Somehow I doubt that.

* * *

**Episode 7: Currents**

**M**rs. McCall: *wakes up* Boys. Boys!

**I**saac/**S**cott: *startles awake*

**M**rs. McCall: What do you think you were doing?

**I**saac: We were… watching over you?

**M**rs. McCall: Why does that sound like a question? So, help me, if you even held hands in this room while I was asleep, Isaac, you will be on the couch for the foreseeable future.

**I**saac: *sigh* I'll just get my pillow from Scott's room.

**M**rs. McCall: Oh, dear god, he looks like a kicked puppy. Never mind, just go. Get to school before I change my mind and start doing some real parenting.

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: We have to tell him.

**S**tiles: You mean, like, tell him, tell him? Or telling him something else that isn't telling him what I think you want to tell him.

**S**cott: You know what I mean.

**S**tiles: How is that even helping? Who I'm dating is none of my dad's business. Okay, well, technically, since I'm underage it is his business, in the literally sense, but no. You know my dad. If we tell him, he might actually go after Peter, with a gun, which will only succeed in making my psychotic homicidal werewolf of a boyfriend mad and then he'll kill my dad. And, you know, when I say it out loud like that, it really makes me question my taste in men. But, the point is, I can't lose both my parents, Scott. So, no, we are not telling him about Peter.

**S**cott: That's not what I'm talking about.

**S**tiles: …oh. What are you talking about?

**S**cott: The werewolf stuff.

**S**tiles: Oh! Thank god. I mean, still a horrible idea, but thank god.

* * *

**Episode 8: Visionary**

**C**ora: Why do you care?

**S**tiles: Why do I care? Have you seen your brother?

**C**ora: Aren't you with Peter?

**S**tiles: I'm questioning that decision right now.

**C**ora: Why?

**S**tiles: Because he could decide to kill my friends and family at any given moment.

**C**ora: …fair enough, but you do realize he's right upstairs. He can hear everything you're saying.

**S**tiles: Oh, good god. I'm so getting the belt tonight.

**P**eter: That you are, my darling boy, but I can assure you that you _will_ enjoy it. Now, I believe you were talking about Derek?

* * *

**Episode 9: The Girl Who Knew Too Much**

**S**heriff: Stiles…

**S**tiles: I'm sorry, I just don't know where to start here.

**S**heriff: If this is about you liking boys, I already…

**S**tiles: No! No, this has nothing to do with that.

**S**heriff: …are you saying you like girls? Because with you a Scott always getting caught in supply closets doing things I don't want to hear about, I kind of figured…

**S**tiles: No, dad! This has nothing to do with my sexuality. And, for the record, I'm omnisexual. I'd have sex with the washing machine if I could find the whole.

**S**heriff: Well, that just makes you a teenage boy.

**S**tiles: Dad, not helping!

* * *

**Episode 10: The Overlooked**

**D**erek: Be quiet.

**S**tiles: Me, be quiet? Me? You're telling me what to do now? When you're psychotic mass murdering girlfriend, the second one you've dated, by the way, has my dad tied up somewhere waiting to be ritually sacri…

**D**erek: *kisses Stiles*

**S**tiles: Mmm!

**P**eter: Hey, that's mine!

**S**tiles: *throws leg up around Derek*

**S**cott: Well, it _was_ yours.

* * *

**Episode 11: Alpha Pack**

**D**erek: I don't care about power. Not anymore.

**P**eter: What about the power to fight back. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Kali's ultimatum still stands. The full moon is tomorrow night. If you couldn't beat her as an Alpha, how do you think you're gonna fair as a Beta.

**D**erek: I don't care.

**P**eter: If you go Alpha and order him to, Stiles cums like a freight train. Every. Time. You don't even have to touch him. I promise you, it's worth it.

**D**erek: I… really, _really_ care about that, but my sister comes first. Stiles would understand.

**P**eter: Suit yourself. Maybe his little friend Scott will help you out if you ask nicely.

**D**erek: *eye twitch*

**_-and-_**

**D**eaton: Lydia, you go with Stiles.

**A**llison: Are you sure? I mean, Scott and I both have to go under.

**A**llison/**I**saac: *exchange meaningful looks*

**S**cott: Oh, I knew I was gonna regret that orgy.

**S**tiles: *guilty head duck*

**S**cott: No, it's okay.

* * *

**Episode 12: Lunar Ellipse**

**S**heriff: Where's Stiles? Where's my son?

**M**rs. McCall: And Scott? Wait, you don't think?

**S**heriff: They better not be or they will be in serious trouble.

**I**saac: They're coming.

**S**heriff: That is exactly what we're afraid of.

**I**saac: What are you…

**A**llison: *whispers in Isaac's ear*

**I**saac: Oh! No, not like… At least, I don't think they'd… You know what, don't worry, they're on their way.

**-and-**

**S**cott: So.

**S**tiles: Yup.

**S**cott: Derek and you are together. Peter hasn't even tried to kill him for it.

**S**tiles: Yet.

**S**cott: My ex-girlfriend and now ex-boyfriend are hooking up.

**S**tiles: On the plus side, they haven't made anything official.

**S**cott: True enough. Hey, care to make a bet on how long this whole thing takes to bite us in the ass?

**S**tiles: What were you thinking?

**S**cott: If I win, I get to change my ringtone in your phone to me ordering you to cum for me. As your Alpha. For two days.

**S**tiles: Oh, no, that is so not…

**S**cott: If you win, I let you slide into home.

**S**tiles: As in…

**S**cott: Care to boldly go where only one man has gone before?

**S**tiles: Give me a moment to have an internal struggle over this, because yes!

**S**cott: Just so we're clear, you do realize you've lost like ninety nine percent of every bet we have ever made.

**S**tiles: I'm eternally optimistic.


	4. Season Three (b)

**SEASON THREE (B)**

* * *

**Episode 13: Anchors**

**S**cott: Right at her head?

**I**saac: Almost right through it. And she keeps saying the same thing. That she keeps seeing her aunt. Whatever's happening to you guys, it's getting worse. If I hadn't been there, Lydia would be dead, and later, when I went down on her, she nearly broke my neck with her thighs. If we hadn't been in a sixty nine, making it a very awkward angle to get the right kind of leverage, it probably would have worked.

**S**cott: *throws Isaac against the wall*

* * *

**Episode 14: More Bad Than Good**

**A**gent McCall: The truth, no matter how profoundly it sucks, the truth is always better then not knowing.

**S**heriff: That's easy for you to say. You've never walked in on Stiles and Scott at three in the morning doing the monkey leg over.

**A**gent McCall: What's the monkey leg over?

**S**heriff: That's what I had asked two weeks before I caught them at it. And you know what? I was better off not knowing.

**A**gent McCall: Wait, is that… are they having _sex_?!

**S**heriff: And now you know. Is it better?

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: I thought you guys were gonna teach me to roar.

**A**iden: We are. You do it by giving in and letting go. That's how Deucalion taught us control.

**S**tiles: Hey, you know what, that's funny. I actually tried something like this one time using a twelve inch vibrating dildo and an obscene amount of lube, but know what, you're right. Beating the crap out of him is much better.

**S**cott: Is that really the plan? You kick my ass?

**E**than: Actually, Stiles may have a …

**A**iden: No.

* * *

**Episode 15: Galvanize**

**P**eter: Don't you have any antiseptic?

**D**erek: Yes.

**P**eter: Really? This is a little petty, even for you.

**D**erek: Maybe next time we're being tortured you won't insist on telling me exactly how good Stiles was at sucked you off to 'distract me.'

**P**eter: He was like a Hoover. So enthusiastic. Ow!

* * *

**Episode 16: Illuminated**

**A**gent McCall: So, when did you get there?

**S**tiles: At the same time.

**A**gent McCall: Same time as who?

**S**cott: Same time as me.

**A**gent McCall: By coincidence?

**S**tiles: What do mean coincidence?

**A**gent McCall: That's what I'm asking you. The two of you arrived there at the same time. Was that a coincidence, or did you two get there together after, perhaps, having sex?!

**S**tiles: What the…?!

**S**cott: No! No sex was happening. God, Dad, seriously?

**A**gent McCall: Sheriff Stilinski filled me in on your relationship. Were these young women involved? At least tell me you used protection.

**S**cott: Dad, no, look we are not in a relationship, okay?

**A**gent McCall: But you are having sex with each other?

**S**cott: *at Kira* Me and Stiles are friends. Just friends.

**S**tiles: Yeah, totally. Just friends. I actually have a boyfriend… who I haven't seen in a few weeks. Scott, have you heard from Derek? Is he back yet?

**S**cott: No.

**A**gent McCall: Really, just friends? Because the Sherriff over there was also kind enough to describe something called the monkey leg over and, I have to say, that does not sound like something 'just friends' do.

**S**cott: *to Kira* Okay, friends with benefits. But only if you're okay with that. Not that I'm asking you out or anything, just saying that hypothetically if you and I were to be… together, that I'd be fine with not having sex with Stiles. Totally fine.

**S**tiles: Although, really, why wouldn't you be okay with it? We are adorable together. Not to mention the threesomes. Just ask Allison and Isaac.

**K**ira: …

**A**gent McCall: You're having _threesome_s?

**S**heriff: And now you know. Is it still better?

* * *

**Episode 17: Silverfinger**

**K**ira: So, all of your friends are…

**S**cott: No, not all of them, just… I mean, Derek and the twins really aren't my type. Lydia, either, and Stiles is a total geek, but I honestly can't remember a time when we weren't friends and, besides, you know, not a relationship, so it doesn't really count. I guess I'm more into innocent pretty, like Allison and Isaac or… you? Maybe?

**K**ira: No, um, werewolves, Scott. Are they all werewolves?

**S**cott: Oh! Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry.

**K**ira: That's okay and, for the record? Stiles was right, you two are totally adorable.

* * *

**Episode 18: Riddled**

**D**erek: He's a little preoccupied, but I can help you.

**K**ira: Wait, you're… Derek, Stiles' new boyfriend? The one whose Uncle Peter was giving it to Stiles before he hooked up with you?

**D**erek: …

**K**ira: The one Stiles and Scott are pretty much convinced is going to get cleaved in two like your sister by that same uncle?

**D**erek: …

**K**ira: The one that's hot, but not pretty enough for Scott to want to have sex with?

**D**erek: Yes!

**K**ira: Cool.

**D**erek: I can see why he likes you.

* * *

**Episode 19: Letharia Vulpina**

**P**eter: The Hunter and the Banshee. Ladies, come in.

**A**llison: And that's my creep factor for the day. Come on, Lydia.

**L**ydia: But…

**A**llison: Nope. We're done here.

* * *

**Episode 20: Echo House**

**N**ogitsune: Let me in.

**S**tiles: Come on, why can I never have the sexy dreams?

**N**ogitsune: Would you let me in if it were a sexy dream?

**S**tiles: I'd be more likely to consider it. More flies with honey, dude. All I'm sayin.'

* * *

**Episode 21: The Fox and the Wolf**

**D**erek: Is there any reason why my name's on the King?

**S**heriff: He said you'd kill him if he put it on the Queen.

**D**erek: *nods* He wasn't wrong.

**A**rgent: I'm also a little concerned that my daughter and Scott are standing that close to the homicidal pedophile Peter.

**D**erek: That is concerning.

**A**llison: Hey, does anyone else notice that Isaac is off the board, but Kate isn't?

**A**rgent: Interesting.

**A**llison: Lydia's not here at all, and neither is Deucalion, or Kali. In fact, we're missing a lot of people.

**D**erek: Perhaps we should consider the possibility that this chessboard is not as accurate a representation as we thought.

**S**heriff: Excuse me, did you say Peter is a homicidal _pedophile_?

* * *

**Episode 22: De-Void**

**K**ira: Scott, please don't sleep in the chair.

**S**cott: *lays down*

**K**ira: We're going to save him. We'll figure it out. And then we'll have wild kinky sex. I'll even see what I can do about getting Allison and Isaac to join. It could be awkward at first, but…

**S**cott: *kisses her*

**K**ira: Are you into bondage?

**_-and-_**

*doorbell rings*

**P**eter: *slowly looks up* I hear you have a young boy paralyzed and gagged on your couch. I'm here to help.

**M**rs. McCall: *shuts door*

**S**cott: But, mom…

**M**rs. McCall: Nope. Find another way.

**L**ydia: I like her.

* * *

**Episode 23: Insatiable**

**S**cott: We've done this before, guys. A couple of weeks ago we were standing around just like this and we saved Malia. Remember? That was a total stranger. This is Lydia.

**A**llison: I 'm here to save my best friend.

**S**cott: I came to save mine.

**I**saac: I just didn't feel like doing any homework.

**K**ira: I want to chain Scott to the bed and shove his face in Allison's crotch while he fucks Stiles, Isaac fucks him and I play with myself and take a riding crop to anyone who steps out of line.

**E**veryone: …

**K**ira: What? I'm just saying.

* * *

**Episode 24: The Devine Move**

**K**ira: I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what to say to any of them. I don't know how much time to give them. I'm still just the new girl at school.

**L**ydia: Honey, you have tits and a fetish for whips and chains. You don't need to do much talking.

**K**ira: Huh. Good point.

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: Derek if this is all just a dream, why do you look worried?

**D**erek: Because I don't remember waking up. So, tell me, how do you know? How do you know if you're still dream?

**S**tiles: Fingers. In dreams, you have extra fingers.

**D**erek: *holds up Stiles hands*

**S**tiles: Well, that sucks for you. Although, considering this is your dream and you've put yourself in the locker room of my school alone with me, I'd say it doesn't have to totally suck. Or, it can suck a lot. Up to you.

**D**erek: How about we put those extra fingers to good use and I let you do things to me I'd never even consider in the real world.

**S**tiles: How about you shut up and bend over.

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: Well, our lives suck more profoundly then they did the last time we recapped.

**S**tiles: Yeah, Allison is dead.

**S**cott: Isaac left.

**S**tiles: Derek is missing

**S**cott: Peter's still creepy.

**S**tiles: You're dad is not only back, but he knows about our benefits and is determined to cock block me until I die of blue balls.

**S**cott: Oh, no, that's not a problem, I figured it out.

**S**tiles: What are you talking about?

**S**cott: I _did_ win the bet. *holds up phone, dials Stiles' number*

**S**tiles' Phone: *Scott's voice* cum

**S**tiles: Gah *falls* …hate you.

**S**cott: Don't worry, I brought you a few extra pairs of pants.

**S**tiles: So much.


	5. Season Four (a)

**SEASON FOUR (A)**

* * *

**Episode 1: The Dark Moon**

**S**tiles: *sees Derek* What did she do to my boyfriend?!

**M**alia: Your boyfriend? But… I'm your girlfriend. Is it normal to have both?

**S**tiles: No… well… no, but don't worry, it's a threesome thing.

**M**alia: Okay! What's a threesome? Can Kira join?

**S**tiles: I am so in love with you.

**S**cott: Stiles, not right now.

* * *

**Episode 2: 117**

**D**erek: *throws Stiles against the wall*

**S**tiles: Oh, okay, it's like date night, only I don't think I'm gonna enjoy this as much.

**D**erek: What?

**S**tiles: Nothing. You, uh, you had some questions for me?

**D**erek: You smell - *sniffs* - aroused.

**S**tiles: Well, now it _really_ feels like date night.

**D**erek: You're strange.

**S**tiles: I get that a lot.

* * *

**Episode 3: Muted**

**C**oach: Those two are like sons to me! Yes, that's how we do it!

**S**cott: *chest bump*

**S**tiles: *falls down*

**C**oach: Well, that one is like a son to me.

**S**cott: *checking on Stiles*

**S**tiles: *waves him off*

**C**oach: Yeah, the other one is more like a daughter.

**R**andom Player: Which one's the girl?

**C**oach: Take your pick.

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: *about Liam* Stiles, are you jealous?

**S**tiles: It… no, just… no, why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous about other then his… perfect hair and his perfect eyes and his lashes that go on for fucking ever and his crazy awesome lacrosse skills.

**S**cott: Oh, my god, you are jealous!

**S**tiles: Don't… no, I am not jealous.

**S**cott: Malia, does he sound jealous?

**M**alia: Little bit.

**S**tiles: You are not helping! Aren't you supposed to take my side?

**M**alia: Not when you're being an idiot.

* * *

**Episode 4: The Benefactor**

**S**tiles: So, you bit him. And you kidnapped him. And you brought him back here.

**S**cott: I panicked.

**S**tiles: So… things with Kira getting serious, then?

**S**cott: Yeah! How did you know?

**S**tiles: You're getting better at restraining people. I remember a time when you couldn't keep me tied to a headboard on a bet, much less Ducktape someone in your bathtub. I'm proud of you. My little man's growing up.

**S**cott: Dude, shut up.

**S**tiles: You shut up.

**S**cott: No, you shut up.

**S**tiles: No, you…

**S**cott: *kisses Stiles – crazy-hot boy sex ensues*

**L**iam: *muffled outrage*

**_-and-_**

**L**iam: And what are you?

**S**tiles: For a while I was possessed by an evil spirit?

**L**iam: What are you _now_?

**S**tiles: Better?

**L**iam: That's it?

**S**cott: He gives great head. Like, the best.

**S**tiles: I do! Thank you, Scott.

**K**ira: He begs pretty and he looks really good in chains.

**M**alia: He does. *growls*

**S**tiles: Down, girl! Kira, you know what mentioning bondage does to her on a full moon.

**K**ira: Sorry.

**L**ydia: Oh, like he's really complaining about being locked in the basement again with his Coyote girlfriend, werewolf not-boyfriend, and Whips and Chains Barbie. The only thing that could make him happier was if Derek were here.

**S**tiles: Hey, no, that is not… yeah, okay, she's got a point.

**L**iam: You people are insane.

**S**tiles: Oh yeah? Just for that, you're not allowed to join.

* * *

**Episode 5: I.E.D **

**D**erek: *smiles*

**S**cott: What? Why are you smiling?

**D**erek: *smiles wider*

**S**cott: Stop it. It's creepy in a… kind of charming way.

**D**erek: Come on, let's go find Stiles.

**S**cott: I don't know…

**D**erek: You take front, I take back. We don't even have to make eye contact.

**S**cott: Okay, but only because I love Stiles so much.

**D**erek: You and me both.

**_-and-_**

**S**cott: *to Kira* You keep an eye on Garret, I'll watch out for Liam. *jogs off*

**S**tiles: Yeah, I'm just gonna try to… play lacrosse.

**S**cott: *jogs back* Hey, don't be like that. You know you come first.

**S**tiles: Thanks, that means a lot.

**S**cott: It's just, he's new at this and someone might want him dead, so…

**S**tiles: No, I really shouldn't let it get to me.

**S**cott: Hey, if it bothers you that much, maybe I can arrange a repeat of this afternoon with Derek.

**S**tiles: Really, you'd do that for me?

**S**cott: Of course, you're my…

**C**oach: Boys! Positions! Now! Every time. I swear to god, every game is like an episode of Melrose Place.

* * *

**Episode 6: Orphaned**

**P**eter: What I want, is what I've always wanted. Power.

**K**ate: Money and power? That's it?

**P**eter: And Stiles.

**K**ate: What about his little girlfriend?

**P**eter: He can keep her.

**K**ate: What else?

**P**eter: A yacht. I've always wanted a yacht. One of those luxury models with a swimming pool.

**K**ate: Go on.

**P**eter: And a car. A really expensive car.

**K**ate: Make and model?

**P**eter: I know the Lamborghini Veneno is the most expensive thing money can buy, but I'm partial to the Aston Martin One-77. It's got a real James Bond feel to it

**K**ate: God, yes, keep going

**P**eter: Are you getting off on this?

**K**ate: Is that a problem?

**P**eter: No. By all means. I want a mansion with a room for every fetish.

**K**ate: List 'em for me.

_-one hour later-_

**P**eter: Oh, and those sugar coated orange flavored candy wedges!

**K**ate: The thick gummy ones?

**P**eter: No, no, the really thin ones with the fake peel and sometimes they come individually wrapped

**K**ate: God, was that as good for you as it was for me?

**P**eter: Better.

* * *

**Episode 7: Weaponized**

**S**cott: *falls out of vault cured*

**S**tiles: *runs hand over Scott's shoulders, touches his face* Dude, no offense, but I am full on making love to you later.

**S**cott: No homo?

**S**tiles: No, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a lot homo.

**S**cott: Fair enough.

* * *

**Episode 8: Time of Death**

**S**tiles: You know, you may be related him, but you're not like him.

**M**alia: Maybe I am. We've both killed people. We're socially awkward. We stare a lot and way too intently. We like to be in control. We're possessive of the things that belong to us. We think you're adorable when you flail. We've both made you the little spoon.

**S**tiles: To be fair, I _am_ adorable when I flail, just ask Scott, and I enjoy being the little spoon.

**M**alia: We both like that thing you do with your tongue when you kiss. We both think you look nice from behind, especially when you bend over and we can see the crack of your ass. We both like it when you beg. We both like to pull your hair too hard so your eyes water. We both like to spank you. We both…

**S**tiles: This is gonna go on for a while, isn't it?

**M**alia: We talked for a long time. Mostly about you.

**S**tiles: That should bother me way more than it does.

**M**alia: Hm. Make-up sex?

**S**tiles: Totally.

**M**alia: Except I'm still kind of mad at you.

**S**tiles: Doesn't bother me.

**M**alia: Oh, and he's going to help me find my mom!

**S**tiles: That's great! Now get over here, this ass ain't gonna tap itself.

* * *

**Episode 9: Perishable**

**L**iam: *sitting on stairs dejectedly*

**S**cott: *pats shoulder* You okay? Need a handjob, or, I dunno, I think Kira's out of town or something and Stiles is busy, so if you want, we can go back to my place and cuddle? You look like you could use a cuddle.

**L**iam: I really could.

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: God, why does every bad guy feel the need to get inappropriately close to my face?!

**B**runswick: It's your eyes.

**S**tiles: What?

**B**runswick: I said, it's your eyes. We just can't help trying to get a better look as all that pretty panic sets in.

**S**tiles: Oh, come on! You can't tell me every evil doer in Beacon Hills is a pedophile hot after my ass!

**L**ydia: No, Stiles, but he's got a point. Besides, you're 17 now, hardly pedophile material.

**S**tiles: Why do I have a crush on you again?

**L**ydia: Because you're hopeless.

**S**tiles: Got it.

**B**runswick: Are you done? I'd like to get back to revealing nefarious plot points.

* * *

**Episode 10: Monstrous**

**A**rgent: *cell phone rings* Argent. No, I'm not busy, just skulking around my own place, locking rare and highly lethal strains of wolfs bane in an otherwise empty safe that I keep for no apparent reason. You? How's the weather in Europe? Hm. Uh hu. Here? Not bad, it'd be better if… right, two weeks tangled in the sheets does not mean I'm so in love with you, I can't put you in your place. Call me that again and you'll find out exactly what I can do from half a world away. So, what are you wearing?

**B**ret: *attacks*

**A**rgent: *pulls a gun*

**S**cott: Wait, wait! Bret, this is his place. This is his.

**A**rgent: Scott, if you were bringing guests, you could have called. -*in phone* - I have to… really? The, uh, the black ones or the…? _Really_? I will call you back.

**S**cott: How's Isaac?

**A**rgent: What? No, that…

**S**cott: …

**A**rgent: …he's fine.

**S**cott: *awkward silence* What was he wearing?

**A**rgent: I will not hesitate to shoot you.

**S**cott: Fair enough.

**_-and-_**

**M**eredith: I do, but only to one person. Peter. Peter Hale

**L**ydia: Oh, honey, did he try and have sex with you, too?

**S**herriff: Wait, what? Who else? Who else has he tried to have sex with?

**L**ydia: … no one. Certainly no one related to anyone in this room.

**M**eredith: Your son. They only got to third base, though. Stiles didn't clear home until his first date with Derek. Well… actually, I'm not sure the back of Stiles' jeep in your driveway counts as being actually _on_ the date. They seem to think it did. It probably didn't. Your son is a man-whore.

**L**ydia: Oh, _now_ you decide to be helpful.

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: So, my dad knows about Peter.

**S**cott: What?

**S**tiles: And my psycho ex-boyfriend was once again at least in some way responsible for the all the evil going on in Beacon Hills.

**S**cott: Wait, are you doing the season wrap up?

**S**tiles: Yeah, wasn't that the…?

**S**cott: No, no, not yet! We still have more to go.

**S**tiles: Really?

**S**cott: Yeah, like at least two more episodes.

**S**tiles: I don't know, how can things possibly get worse then they already are?

**S**cott: Oh, way to tempt the writers, Stiles.

**S**tiles: *cringe* My bad.

**S**cott: Whatever, I guess the only thing to do now is sit back and wait for the fallout.

**S**tiles: Well, that and…

**S**cott: Sex?

**S**tiles: I was gonna say dance, but sex works, too.

* * *

**Episode 11: A Promise to the Dead**

**P**eter: Now you rest here for a while. You've had a hard time for a very long time. *walks away*

**A**rgent: Wait.

**P**eter: Yes?

**A**rgent: What was that sound?

**P**eter: That, my dear Chris Argent, was the sound of hundreds of fangirls rushing to their computers to write rape!fic, of which you will undoubtedly play a staring role. You're welcome.

* * *

**Episode 12: Smoke and Mirrors**

**D**erek: I brought something to help you. This has been with my family for centuries. It's a very powerful supernatural talisman. We use it to teach betas how to control themselves under the full moon.

**L**iam: *takes the talisman*

**D**erek: *looks at Stiles*

**S**tiles: *confused look at Derek*

**D**erek: *nods at Liam*

**S**tiles: *raises eye brows, looks at Liam, back at Derek, makes hand signal for blowjob*

**D**erek: *smacks Stiles upside the back of his head* No, you idiot, the talisman!

**S**tiles: Oh, right! Yes, it's powerful. Very powerful.

**_-and-_**

**S**tiles: Now we can do the season wrap up?

**S**cott: Yes, Stiles, now you can do the season wrap up.

**S**tiles: So, once again, my psycho ex-boyfriend was behind all the evil in Beacon Hills.

**S**cott: And Mexico.

**S**tiles: And Mexico. I wonder if they allow conjugal visits at Eichen House?

**S**cott: He probably won't need them. Deaton says they have him locked up with third eye dude.

**S**tiles: Well, that's a little extreme, don't you think?

**S**cott: Do you want him going on a murderous rampage again? Besides, I'm not sure **D**erek would approve.

**S**tiles: Fine. Kill joy.

**S**cott: Speaking of, you wanna…?

**S**tiles: No.

**S**cott: Wait, what do you mean, no?! We always have sex after the wrap up!

**S**tiles: Well then, why don't you go ask the cute and cuddly little beta you didn't beat senseless?

**S**cott: Oh, come on, that's not fair. I was a Berserker under Kate's control!

**S**tiles: And yet somehow _Liam_ managed to drag you out of it just fine when your best friend…

**S**cott: With benefits.

**S**tiles: …best friend with benefits couldn't get out two words before you bitch slapped him.

**S**cott: Yeah, I guess sorry isn't gonna cut it.

**S**tiles: Not really.

**S**cott: So, slave for a week?

**S**tiles: Two. Now, start with a foot rub and we'll work up to the kinky stuff.


End file.
